I Love Sex
Hello Friends, and Merry Saturday!
Provocative title, huh? Not really. I don’t know too many people who don’t like sex. But, it’s evocative to me because I do enjoy the splendor of sex in a way that I haven’t ever thought would happen, didn’t even know could happen. The journey to finding my true sexual self has been a long time in the making, but it finally feels like it is manifesting in wonderful ways.
My story includes sexual activity in the 80’s early 90’s and then going into the church closet from 1992 to 2015. My sexual history last century (lol) was not a good experience. I was sexually assaulted when I was 17, and once I broke away from that guy, I went into an abusive relationship for 18 months. I had “party” sex that created even more bad memories. I was used and abused while I was young and desperate.
Add all my hangups, fears, and lack of experience, and you get the following sentence. I never climaxed with anyone during that time except with one man who tragically took his own life because of ex-gay ministry (over twenty years after we were together romantically).
So when I came out of the closet in 2015, I had zero positive sexual experiences from decades ago and over two decades of no experience. My bad experiences helped make me vulnerable to the stigmatized views ex-gay ideology promotes as "normal.” I was taught that my terrible experiences were “normal” in that world because gay sex is seen as an egregious sin and inherently harmful. It’s not, of course. My experience was not typical of all or even most gay males. Mine was born out of trauma and not knowing I had other options.
That said, I was fantastic at mast*rbation—a real ninja in my precision and skill. But even there, I always felt guilty (toxic ex-gay stigma hampered even enjoying that) and never explored all the fun and health benefits of taking care of my business.
In 2015, I carried a lot of sexual hangups with me out of the closet that I didn’t even know of or how deeply hindering they were. I fooled around with one man shortly after coming out and got into the full f**king with the second man I dated for a little while. Both men were incredibly handsome, and the experience felt terrific, but I never got out of my head enough to fully enjoy the freedom and ecstasy within those encounters.
Then the most handsome man of all, my now husband Dan, came into the picture and stayed. And really, it’s with Dan that my growth, healing, maturation … whatever you want to call it, has come into being.
Yes, I have permission from him to write about our journey together.
We have been together for almost seven years, and while we have had a good sex life (mutually satisfying in all the ways :)) I still had so many unconscious hangups and fears that it’s only been in the past few years that I have tried to push past them in much more profound and more exploratory ways.
::: Channeling my inner-Lizzo ::: Yeah, I said it … ex-plor-atory … lol
And our exploration has taken a significant turn this year that I am not quite ready to share, but let’s say my true self surprised the f*ck out of me. And I am finding it terribly exciting. Dan has been so loving and patient. I love him so much and am glad we are on this journey as “one.”
As Dan and I talked about my writing on this topic, we agreed that I am not the only old man fully experiencing his sexuality this late(r) in life. While my story along these lines (and many others) is extreme, I can’t be the only person to make it out of the church closet afraid or ignorant of sex. I can’t be the only one not to know what healthy, free, and safe sex can be outside the church closet.
As I have said before, I will not go all “Because of some personal experiences, I am immediately qualified to be your life coach” on the subject matter. I am not even ready to share more specifics. I am simply sharing this part of my journey in general because that’s the kind of person I am. I also hope it will help encourage others to explore and not be afraid of a very core part of our sexual selves.
I wasted so much time letting fear determine the course of my sexual journey. No more.
I NEVER would have thought I would EVER have a title and subtitle like the ones on this post. So maybe there’s a little bit of rebellion, but … rebellion is sometimes good, too.
As my journey continues, I may share more specifics, but I am a big fan of taking time to experience and live things out for quite a while before doing so.
So, the journey continues… and there will be more later, I am sure.
Have a great weekend!
I love this so much! Yay!!!