Beyond the Desert: Discovering Joy Does Exist Beyond the Ex-Gay Movement
Surviving the toxicity of the ex-gay cult is a miracle that can lead to joy, no matter what they say...
In the ex-gay world, I was taught right off the bat that the reason behind all of the abuse and nightmarish experiences I suffered during my party days in the ‘80s was the result of the “homosexual brokenness” resulting from a satanic lie that I was gay.
After two decades plus of being in the ex-gay cult and eventually leading others to believe that same lie, I discovered that all the abuse in my upbringing led to very dysfunctional relationships and substance abuse. These dynamics had nothing to do with my being gay and everything to do with not knowing what “healthy” would look like, even if it slapped me in the face.
If I were straight, I would have still found very dysfunctional relationships and substance abuse.
It was the nightmares I experienced *before* coming out the first time that set me up to believe that abuse and dysfunction were what love should look like. As a result, I only got involved with terrible people and situations; it was the only thing I knew. Plus, I wasn’t an angel either.
That then set me up to believe that the ex-gay worldview was God’s best for those of us with “homosexual brokenness.” I was so desperate for love, affirmation, consistency, and belonging, and the ex-gay cult provided a shallow imitation of all those things and lured me right into their world.
I hadn’t ever experienced anything like that, so what was poison (religious stigma and bigotry) was viewed as life-giving water to a man in the middle of the Saharan desert. But like a mirage of a watery oasis in a desert disappears right when you think you have reached salvation, the ex-gay lies evaporate rather quickly when the light of truth is inescapable and irrefutable. They never had the life-giving water and tricked you into believing that slowly dying in the sand is better because it is God’s will.
Symbolism transition alert :)
Imagine a man in the middle of the desert thinking he is going to die at any moment with no hope for survival. He cries out to the Divine with an honest heart, and suddenly, the miles and miles of sand, slowly but gaining momentum, starts to disappear. A door appears before him; with a hopeful but scared heart, he walks through and finds he was never lost, to begin with. The world he ran from is seen with new understanding and wisdom. The man walks forward, smiles, and starts to enjoy what he never thought was possible.
Being a healthy gay person allowed to have dreams, goals, and relationships as they wish.
The ex-gay world says that going back to (or giving in to) sin is like “a dog returning to its vomit’ (Proverbs 26: 11-12). That to embrace being gay will lead to a life of dysfunction, misery, and eternal damnation. Not only is that not true, it blinds a queer person from the joy available to us.
The joy of a vibrant, resourceful, and strong community. The joy of pursuing dreams that are attainable without fear. The joy of family and/or chosen family. The joy of finding, rediscovering, or discovering our authenticity in all aspects of life for the first time.
And, of course, the joy of ecstatic, shame-free sex! ;-) (if that is something important to you).
If you are an LGBTQ+ person struggling with fear rooted in religious stigma, please talk to someone not involved with or who believes in ex-gay ideology. Also, click here for a list of helpful resources. Also, feel free to email me at randy(@)randyscobey(dot)com if you would like.
We were made to be joyful people; you are a source of joy. You will make it out of a manufactured desert, and I can’t wait to see the light of joy emanating from your true self.
To get updates from my publisher concerning the release of my book, WHY: A Memoir, click here to learn more about the book and sign up for email alerts. WHY is set to launch on May 14th! Here is a link to my author’s profile as well. Thank you!