Bridging Social Capital & Bonding Social Capital
We need to develop a sense of self within the context of community to be safe and healthy; this is challenging in our current very divisive climate.
No, let’s not…
I can’t stand the saying “let’s agree to disagree.” I dislike it almost as much as “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!”
But we aren’t talking about that second quote… … today. :)
I used to love this saying but now that I have gotten older it has proven to be ineffective at fostering relationship. The “let’s agree to disagree” is simply not true in most cases. Most of the time we simply disagree. In my opinion to “agree to disagree” minimizes both views to a condescending abrupt end to the conversation.
When someone pulls the “let’s agree to disagree” card, it almost always shuts down the conversation. You might as well say, “I agree that you are wrong, and I am right. You don’t realize your error and I am tired of this conversation.” ← In my experience that is the reality behind “let’s agree to disagree” veil.
To be clear, if we disagree, I want you to change your mind :) or you convince me to change mine :). And if neither of that happens, we simply disagree! It’s ok to disagree. Mature adults can handle even sharp disagreements… right?
Ummm…. don’t answer that this soon after the election. Let’s assume that last question is rhetorical for now. ;)
The Alternative…
So, what can be done? Well, watch The Daily Show more often! lol
I listen to The Daily Show podcast since Chump was elected to cheer me up and they had a man named Robert Putnam on as a guest. He wrote Bowling Alone basically talking about the problem of Americans being isolated and not engaging their community. This has led to the detriment of the greater good and personal mental health. He argues that the bridging and bonding in community is essential for the greater good and personal wellbeing.
Putnam states that without bridging (engaging others with different views in other areas of life) and bonding (with those of like mind), the country will continue its decline into irreconcilable political polarity and personal mental health issues will continue to rise (link to Social Capital Research):
Robert Putnam introduced the concepts of bonding social capital (inward-looking networks that reinforce exclusive identities) and bridging social capital (outward-looking networks that promote links between diverse individuals). Bonding social capital is good for "getting by," while bridging social capital is crucial for "getting ahead".
We all need healthy community because we can’t know a part of ourselves without it. In relationship, I don’t want to just get by; I want to get ahead.
Bye-bye MAGA Fanati…. Ok, maybe not that one…
A lot of people lately, me included, have had to completely shut off people they know, some they love, as a result of the election and how they voted. I get it. I completely understand.
While I have had to block people, I refuse to have an all or nothing litmus test by which I communicate with a Chump supporter in my family or friends. There are friends and family I do not want to lose because of Chump. I am blessed to have a lot of bridges (shared experiences, beliefs) that help us bond as a chosen family and community in spite of some very sharp disagreements.
Yes, I believe their votes facilitate hate against so many people including me and they just don’t see or believe that could happen. On the other hand, some don’t get how a smart guy like me can vote so “ignorantly” and believe what I believe will happen with an insurrectionist/felon/bigot as a President. Nowadays we simply don’t talk about Chump and Project 2025.
I choose grace for family and friends who support Chump, not all. Some of y’all need to go. Have a good life bio-dad, so-and-so can kiss my *** before closing the door behind them, and so many others that look to destroy instead of lifting up… y’all just go ahead skedaddle on out of here. But the rest of y’all hold on a minute.
Sidenote: Did y’all know skedaddle is a real word? Now you do. I had no clue and always thought it was a made-up southern word.
I really hope my conservative friends are right that the new regime won’t come after my marriage, my beliefs, who I love, or my community. I hope they are right that our siblings of other races, ethnicities, and beliefs will be safe regardless of the most powerful men in the world threatening otherwise. And even though I don’t have much hope, I really do pray nothing bad will happen and our worst fears will not materialize.
It has to be a challenge for some to extend grace toward me because my beliefs on certain matters irritate/infuriate them as much as theirs does me. One thing that we do have, we have many heart-to-heart bridges, we love each other for the best parts of who we are, in spite of our quirks, and in spite of sharp disagreements. We have bridged over so much that the resulting bonds have helped us grow, even heal, in so many other ways that have nothing to do with Chump and I refuse to let him destroy the good at the base of my relationships.
From experience, like-minded bonds are great in relationships but not so much in echo chambers. Bridging to others who we disagree with on very important issues can be life-giving in an iron-sharpens-iron kind of way, as well as expanding our view of someone through other common interests (like bowling :)). However, bridging without the humility of honest disagreement will fail all those involved.
So no, I do not want to agree to disagree; I want to strengthen the present bridges with an abundance of grace and let time reveal the honest truth.
Question: What has your experience been along these lines?
More about Randy…
WHY: A Memoir
Helpful resources…
