Can I Find Healing Through Writing?
“I went through a LOT of what you wrote about in the book; would writing a memoir help me heal?” Here are a few thoughts...
“After reading your book, I have to give you a big hug,” ML said as she wrapped me up in a big, sisterly hug. We were at a party where several people had already read WHY. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that others would open up intimately about their lives in response to reading about mine.
It makes sense. It’s just not something I was expecting.
After the hug, ML shared about how she and her husband met (very sweet). Their story is a romantic comedy I would watch even though I am not a big romantic comedy kind of guy. But, wow, how they came together is worthy of its own memoir/movie/play, whatever. It's f*cking funny and one of the best examples of kismet I have ever heard of.
The other person at this party was lovely but an acquaintance at best. They looked eagerly over a very full, excellent plate of BBQ, corn, and other assorted delicious sides and asked, "I went through a LOT of what you wrote about in the book; would writing a memoir help me heal?" They then shared their story very briefly but powerfully. I was honored they would share their having survived childhood abuse.
I responded, "It depends. I wouldn't recommend writing a memoir unless you have already begun the healing process and have a robust support system (or are building one), like trusted friends, safe family, and, if possible, a licensed counselor you can trust.
But holding off on a memoir to develop a support system doesn't mean you can't start journaling. Shorter diary/journaling updates will build over time, and you will begin to see your life unfold on written paper or in a digital journal (there are SO many apps now).
For some of us, writing (or some form of outward processing) is a crucial tool to help us slow down long enough to let the dots connect.
I only chose a memoir format because it would force me to connect many dots that didn't make sense (to me) throughout my life. But that came years after I had been in professional counseling for PTSD, a couple of years after I came out (the second time).
And sometimes I hated (seething with rage) when a direct line between two dots was drawn: the dots that harmed my life, the dots where I harmed others, and all those that led to even more destruction on any level.
It's tough sh*t to be confronted with, to put it mildly.
Sometimes, newly discovered dots (plot points, if you will) can cause excessive pain and sorrow you might not have allowed yourself to face because it's born out of defensive detachment used as a survival skill. The pain can be overwhelming even if you are not consciously aware of why you are feeling that way. It can even trigger trauma you force yourself to forget. It's best not to have that happen if you do not have a support system.
These wounds can run very deep, and you may not even know why you just shut all the drapes, put the phone on do not disturb, eat a whole pizza, drink a 2 liter of Diet Coke, then purge and ugly cry for about 3 hours before you fall asleep to nightmares. That's why I believe abuse survivors should wait till they have had trauma counseling or are in trauma counseling and have a robust support system while exploring their past. Yes, that first sentence is what would happen when my PTSD was triggered: isolation, episodic bulimia, and invasive thoughts of existential fear/despair and nightmares. I had no clue why that would happen when I did all that stuff from time to time before counseling.
Side note: I only considered seeking a publisher to publish my memoir years after I wrote it for myself. That was because of the aftermath of my part in the documentary Pray Away.
Another side note: Legitimate counselors (NOT conversion therapists) who are also licensed counselors are wonderful. If they do not have specific trauma training/expertise, keep looking until you find one that does. Most counselors who don't have that kind of training will have recommendations for the ones who do.
If you are looking for a healing catharsis through writing, write to yourself first and not an audience. That way, you can be freer to write honestly and feel safer. Test the waters a little bit by writing journal entries by hand or on a safe computer app first.
To the person who asked that and all the folks who might read this, if this post stirs up your authentic self to move forward into more healing, you are so brave! Take care of yourself and get all the resources you need in place.
Contact me if you'd like. While I am not a licensed counselor (thank goodness! I cuss too much for that), I am a great cheerleader :).
