Closet Curses Part 3–Social & Peer Pressure

This is a series exploring the phenomenon of why so many rabid anti-LGBTQ+ Christian and Christian Nationalist leaders are gay and living in the church closet. (Parts 1 & 2 summarized & linked below.)

Duh duhmmmmm–previously on Closet Curses…

(Thoughts on Community and Peer pressure are after the summaries of the two reels)

Now about the Money

In the first reel below I share a few thoughts concerning how money may be a motivation, or boat anchor for anti-LGBTQ+ who are gay themselves and in the closet. For some, it is the grift, they are amoral and looking for quick money. However, a vast majority of these folks, especially in the church closet, really believe their paycheck which sustains their lives is proof that God is providing for them to do what they do. Then, eventually, when their eyes are opened and they know better, the cost of doing the right thing (stop fighting the LGBTQ+ community) is incredibly consequential and may scare them into silence or continue playing the part.

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Self-loathing

In this second reel, I wanted to share some thoughts on how LGBTQ+ children who grow up in environments where homophobia is the norm—whether it’s at home, with friends, in schools, with the police, doctors, or even government—often only see stigma as the truth for gay people. They’re often pushed to suppress the feelings that “tempt” them to think differently, the feelings that tell them who they are, that their innate sense of being is beautiful, and that it’s not like what everyone else is saying.

This internal conflict can lead to anger towards those who are able to embrace their whole selves. Healthy, whole gay people represent something that closeted conservative and/or exgay activists can’t accept for themselves, so they lash out at the LGBTQ+ community in every way possible to numb the pain in their heart and mind that tells them what they have adopted as a belief system is a lie.

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Now Let’s talk about how Community & Peer a little more deeply

Church (denomination or type)

When a church or denomination becomes rigidly dogmatic or exclusionary, it can foster an environment where questioning or personal beliefs are suppressed. This may lead to emotional or spiritual harm for individuals who feel coerced to conform instead of embracing who they truly are at their core. This could stunt personal growth or alienate those who disagree with official teachings.

How many times have we seen denominations abuse those individuals and/or churches don’t fall in line? … cruel denominational splits over LGBTQ+ issues? Too many.

Anti-LGBTQ teachings can keep someone in the closet because they may have been part of this spiritual home their entire lives and might lose all sense of “grounding.” They could lose connections and close friends they’ve made and don’t want to leave a spiritual home over what they’ve been told is an affront to God (it’s not). Instead, they’re told to just “white-knuckle” their way through this issue, pray away the gay through some form of conversion therapy in oreder to keep their place in the church.

Church Family

There is no wound like the wounds inflicted by spiritual family and in the name of spiritual maturity. A church family can turn unhealthy if it prioritizes loyalty to group norms over the well-being of its members. Gossip, judgment, or favoritism within the congregation can create tension, foster mistrust, and discourage members from seeking genuine support during times of struggle. And in Western evangelicalism, Christian nationalism, if you do not fall in line, you will be escorted out of the church with a pat on the shoulder and a self-righteous smile implying, “Please feel free to come back. You, not who you think you really are, will always be welcome here.” At least that’s been my experience.

Friends & Close Friends

Hey, it’s important to remember that friendships can become unhealthy when things like manipulation, too much relying on each other, or not respecting each other’s space come into play. Toxic vibes like jealousy, competition, or emotional blackmail can really chip away at your self-esteem and make it tough to keep your own boundaries healthy.

This can happen with ANYTHING in the exgay world. I used to be puzzled why, when people finally embraced their LGBTQ+ identities and left the exgay community they would get so incredibly angry.

It’s because we really believed we were doing what God wanted and honoring ourselves by being “true”. But, instead, once the blinders came off the toxic dynamics and their disastrous effects became clear… and it hurt us to the core; for what others did to us and what we did to others.

So, to come out and stay out of the church closet, the anti-LGBTQ+ folks would have to let go of some really deep and long-standing friendships. Where they felt they had a solid support system and consistent friends/church family, they’re now on their own, trying to figure things out one step at a time.

Those who have been in this situation can certainly relate.

Duh duhmmmmm–next on Closet Curses Part 4, The Abused Becoming the Abuser

When we’re constantly surrounded by abuse and stigma, it can really color our world view. We might not even realize we’re unconsciously playing the roles of the abuser or the abused in all our relationships. Instead of building strong, healthy connections based on mutual respect and emotional maturity, everything can feel like a power struggle or a hierarchy.

Such a light topic! This next part won’t be easy to write but it is so important to understand in this context. Please share your thoughts and questions in the comments. Would love to hear from you.

See you next time and thank you for reading.

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