Growing Up Or Growing Into Who We Truly Are
A good friend Julie read my book (WHY: A Memoir) and makes some pretty good insights with questions. This is my response.
“I know some people might think that being a know-it-all grown-up is what it means to be “grown up.” But I’ve learned that it’s okay to not know everything. It’s okay to be curious and to learn new things or even change your mind on serious matters. And it’s okay to embrace your uniqueness and to use your talents to make a difference in the world.”
Hi, Randy. Me again
I am just about finished with your book. It's such a beautiful piece of work. I just wanted to thank you again for your part in closing Exodus and your intentionality in being so authentic. You're one of the coolest people I know!
Hi Julie!
Wow! I am blown away with the “beautiful piece of work” part. Thank you. WHY represents years of work, writing, crying, counseling (real counseling), and my publisher is a miracle-working editor as well.
And you are welcome, as I always say, closing Exodus was the best and worst day of my life.
The Gender Transcendent Divine
By now I know Julie has already read the book, and we have had a good conversation. With permission, I share parts of our conversation here with you. Julie writes:
… I like how you have been able to find a really beautiful idea of a God that reflects true love and grace and who is beyond gender or is maybe or multi-gender.
Genesis 1 says that both men and women are God’s image in full and equal measure. This makes God transcendent of the binary genders mentioned in that chapter. After all, we see so many different ways of expressing gender and non-gender in the world, and each one represents God’s image in its own unique way.
In Proverbs, wisdom is personified as a woman calling out at the gate for us to listen to her. The Divine is deliberately personifying themselves as a woman. I believe back then and now, her counsel/wisdom is manifested in the Spirit. As a Christian, I believe the Holy Spirit is a feminine energy, and I have no problem using feminine pronouns to refer to Her.
Of Family & Healing
Your relationship with your mom also gave me a lot to think about. How you really tried to honor her but didn't deny the very real pain she caused you. I am so sorry about that, btw.
Thank you, Julie. That’s definitely been an outflow of my healing from the abuse she inflicted and abuse she allowed to happen to me. I think I can see all of that accurately and am past it enough to see her as a human who also went through hell. No excuses, but there is honest empathy (situational at least, sometimes emotional).
I think we have the same perspective about the leadership of exgay ministries. How most of them probably believed they were doing the right thing out of love and likely meant no harm, but they caused a lot of harm, anyway. And how we both did find real growth and healing in those groups, but we would never recommend them!
There are undoubtedly con artists out there who are aware of the truth and are only in it to maintain their income from speaking engagements and paychecks. However, the majority of individuals have been indoctrinated (as I was) into what I refer to as the cult of ex-gay ideology.
Growing Up or Into?
… One could read your book and conclude that you sure have changed a lot over the years. But I think your experiences look more like growth spurts. You have always been you... it's just taken a lifetime for... you to grow up? To fully grow into you? That's not an insult. It's my story, too, or I want it to be, anyway. Not everyone gets there. Only people who are honest and humble. Like yourself and like I hope to be.
So, have you ever wondered if we ever truly grow up? Well, Julie’s question has got me thinking about it a lot lately, and I think I’ve finally come to a conclusion. I believe we grow up, but we never really stop learning and evolving.
I’ve always been the same person at heart. You can see that clearly in my book. But it took me a long time to find my voice and use my talents for good. I was afraid to be myself, and I was trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and helplessness. But I finally broke free, and I’m so glad I did.
The journey of self-discovery has been incredibly rewarding. It’s shown me the true colors of myself, both the light and the dark. I’m grateful for every experience.
I know some people might think that being a know-it-all grown-up is what it means to be “grown up.” But I’ve learned that it’s okay to not know everything. It’s okay to be curious and to learn new things or even change your mind on serious matters. And it’s okay to embrace your uniqueness and to use your talents to make a difference in the world.
So, thank you, Julie, for taking the time to read WHY. And if anyone has any questions or want to chat, feel free to reach out. I’m always here to listen and to share my experiences.
More about Randy…
WHY: A Memoir
Helpful resources…
