Healing The Power Within To Empower The Future
Displacing religious stigma and self-loathing to clear the path for LGBTQ+ youth to find their own voice.
A writing colleague and friend, Martina, said to me a few times in different ways something to the effect of…
“When I stopped listening to all the noise around me and silenced the self-loathing within, I could hear my voice for the first time.”
That is a condensed paraphrase of a conclusion she has verbalized in various ways throughout our new, almost year-long friendship.
It’s all about me. Well, at least this next section is…
In one way, Martina’s inspiration breaks my heart. It does so because it took until my late forties to realize my beliefs were self-sabotaging because of the toxic ideology I had bought into and lived my life by. I can remember clearly an intense moment of self-actualization when I realized that my inner thoughts were lying to me and that, in turn, helped the self-loathing within me believe those lies were true. I also realized my authentic voice (higher self) scared me. It “scared” me because it was always looking out for my best interest, but I didn’t want to anger anyone for fear of abuse, abandonment, or rejection. My confidence was based on a projected idealized (yet self-hating) version of self, not reality.
In another way, this realization is inspiring. At first, I didn’t trust that I could listen with clarity and understanding even to recognize my truth. However, the beauty of hearing my authentic voice came with the realization that I had nothing to be afraid of; I love myself in a balanced, balanced, healthy way, and it's okay to be me. It is fantastic to be one, Mr. Randy Scobey.
While I have plenty of character issues to work through, there are still lessons to learn; my divinely created inner voice and the truth will help me through it all.
The Turning Point
My life has had many wild swings in its plot points. But the most cataclysmic one I can think of was when my mother threw me out of the house at age nineteen. I lived out of my car for three weeks, didn’t have any life or communication skills, and was a victim of religious extremism implanted in my mother (at the time, no longer) and others. I knew I was gay but didn’t know what that meant in a healthy way. If it weren’t for the mercy and grace of a Christian Drag Queen (my Drag Guardian Angel, Mella), I am confident I would be dead by my own hand or overdose. Because I was so unhealthy and unprepared for life with no solid core sense of self, I did harmful things and created a long list of BAD experiences in the gay party scene I threw myself into. That paved the way to be lured into exgay programs, and you get the gist.
Not that I was in a great place before, but it all went careening off the rails when my mother threw me out and disowned me.
Memoir Motivation
In this memoir, I am not interested in glorifying old war stories for the sake of glorifying old war stories. That is why the person(s) I am writing my memoir for, the intended audience, is primarily directed toward LGBTQ+ teens and young adults facing what I faced at age nineteen. Yes, I believe other audiences will get a lot from my memoir, and it will also cover all of those bases. But the homeless, abused, and surviving LGBTQ+ youth stirs my heart and keeps me writing. Of course, we must ALL work to end conversion therapy and heal from our trauma. But remember that LGBTQ+ kids are abused and abandoned in various ways daily.
It’s not enough to end conversion therapy and religious stigma; we must empower and love the upcoming LGBTQ+ generations. So many are in danger now, and we can help them find safety.
They need to know not to be afraid of themselves because others are. Whether religious or not, these wondrous young LGBTQ+ souls have a core inner voice that can be discovered, empowered, amplified, and celebrated.
Will you join me in doing better now that we know better? I hope so.
