Sexplorer Saturday–Self & Confidence

How did your sense of self and confidence change after becoming sexually active?

Looking back, I see how much I’ve grown—from the fearful, self-conscious person I once was to someone who’s learning to embrace both vulnerability and connection. It’s not about becoming perfect or fearless, but about realizing that real intimacy and self-acceptance come from letting go of shame, not hiding from it. Every step—even the awkward, uncomfortable ones—has helped me move toward a more honest, compassionate relationship with myself and with others.

How did your sense of self and confidence change after becoming sexually active?

But you’re supposed to be my husband…

Before I came out of the church closet, I had zero confidence in my body (in general), my body in motion (think sports, physical activity, etc.), or my sexual attractiveness. Thinking I was called to a life of celibacy gave me a convenient excuse to avoid thinking about it.

Over time, I had four different women tell me that they “heard from the Lord” that I was to be their husband. Two of these women told me this simultaneously (separately). This excludes the two women I actually dated. In all of these situations, I genuinely thanked God that my response to each of them was, “You are amazing, and I am so honored. I haven’t received that message from the Holy Spirit yet, so let’s get to know each other better first.”

In three of these four cases, they immediately stopped talking to me or ignored me because I wasn’t following what was clearly (to them) God’s will. The fourth woman became quite obsessive and even physically threatened me. She also hired a beautiful blonde male escort (who she introduced as her cousin) to try to seduce me at a church function. He eventually told me, “I don’t really know her, but you’re a nice guy, and this is a really messed-up situation. I have to go.” He didn’t even say goodbye to her as he bolted out the door. I was a month or so I learned he was a male escort.

I wish I was joking.

In other instances, during my time in the conversion therapy support group, I would be having a great time talking, hanging out with, joking, and being serious with a guy. Out of the blue (to me), they would hit on me or tell me that the energy was turning sexual and that they had to leave.

Every time, and more than what I’ve mentioned, these moments blindsided me. I had no idea that I might be found sexually attractive. Instead of seeing the compliments, I was severely ashamed because of the toxic religious beliefs I held at the time.

It was as if up until a bit after coming out of the church closet that my brain was disconnected from any sexual sense of being. In each of these situations, I felt completely disconnected from the apparent dynamics that were happening.

In the church closet the estrangement from that core sense of self was exploited and reinforced BIG time. The damage to my sexuality was already very bad, the toxic theology of the church made it so much worse. Even so, love always finds a way, including in our sexuality. My path to more confidence and healthy sexual sense of self, was rough but it has and is happening. When ….