I am glad that I have her (mom) within me. This mediation has brought a new depth of love and understanding toward her I didn’t know I needed.
“Oh my god I know that face!”…
…I said aloud when I caught my reflection in the mirror while I was sitting at the table crocheting a blanket.
Not kidding!
My mom doesn’t crochet, but when she’s thinking, resting, worrying, or even breathing, she has a distinct way of communicating through a lot of non-verbal messages.
In my peripheral vision, I kept catching her face in my reflection in the mirror all month long.
Since growing my hair out, we discovered I have her curls as well. So … even more similar looks… AAAGGGGHHH!
Before really thinking about it the past month or so, her face and the way she carries herself always made it seem like she was angry.
So I was like, oh my god I am turning into her! So immediately I thought of all the very dysfunctional ways she raised us and that caused great concern.
But when I am confused, I look angry, even though I am not, just like she does.
When I want something done my nonverbals say, “What’s the problem? Just do it already.” just like hers
When I am being judgey, it is completely clockable and my nonverbals don’t even try to hide it. ← I truly hate it when I realize I am doing it.
My mom can be very compassionate and we have the same non-verbals that way too.
However, when unexpected/expected humor or joy happens, we both have a smile and laugh that can light up the morning sky; not so humbly stated of course.
She’s Odd, I’m Odd
It should also be said, my Mom and I do not have the stereotypical gay son who worships his diva mom relationship. Never have. So to see all of how I am very much like her was very concerning when I first started thinking about it.
However, over the past month or so, it has given me compassion and empathy toward her in a new way. I needed to put my overarching view of her in check, and I guess that is what this rite of passage is all about.
For example, I was a confusing kid (truly) to my family. When I am confused, I look angry even though I am not angry, which was the biggest gut check. How many times did I literally hate the look on her face, thinking she was being hateful, mean, and purposefully insulting when in truth, she was just trying to understand?
Now, it’s true, we both can be super judgmental in not great ways, and it clearly shows in our non-verbals. I have learned to quickly settle that down and stop to consider that my negative judgement is probably wrong and/or not helpful. But our initial non verbal communications in that kind of situation is usually not good.
New positive revelations unfolded
On a positive note, we both have sharp minds, and our faces look alike when we are concentrating/focussed. I have always admired her for her strength, resilience, and “don’t fuck with me” aura, which I carry as well. The “don’t fuck with me” aura isn’t armor for me, though. It’s more of a nonverbal message of, “I really want to get to know/work with/whatever with you. That said, I can discern the difference between truth and bullshit really quickly, but I love people and am open to meeting you where you are at.”
Another positive is what I mentioned earlier: when we express laughter/joy, it is unstoppable and brings life a lot of light.
Also, we are THE ABSOLUTE BEST at being humble :)
As I ponder further, I look forward to understanding her more and understanding why the divine chose her to bring me into this world.
Is it genetics? Learned behavior? Both? Probably both. And while it was unnerving to see her in my reflection at first, I am glad that I have her within me. These meditations has brought a new depth of love and understanding toward her that I didn’t know I needed.
More about Randy…
