The Way to "WHY"

As my memoir gets closer and closer to release, it's been a difficult and liberating six-year journey so far...

In January 2017, I lived temporarily with a man in a big house in an affluent neighborhood. He was chaotic, and my life was chaotic, but Dan sure was cute. We had been dating for a couple of months at that point.

I don’t remember where the chaotic roommate was that day, but Dan was helping me prepare for the Pray Away film crew to show up for the first of many interviews over the next four years. It would be the primary interview they would pull from for my speaking parts in the film.

“Do I look ok?”

Dan replied, “Yes, you look great. Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be, I guess.”

And after the crew arrived and I sat in front of the camera while the camera person did their adjustments, lighting, sound, and everything. Dan was helping move furniture and making sure I had water (I love him so much!). Film crews have a fantastic amount of details to keep up with. I just sat there and tried to remind myself to breathe.

Kristine Stolakis would eventually be nominated for an Emmy for creating this film, but that day, she was a bright-eyed visionary who knew how to get to the heart of the matter and pull out all the details. What seemed like eons later that night, I was exhausted but glad to have done an interview that didn’t cause a migraine. However, I was deeply unsettled about my journey.

That interview revealed (at least to me) that I didn’t know my true self even though I had been out for two years. I knew my story in compartmentalized segments but had zero clue as to how I went from an abused kid to an eccentric ’80s gay party boy, to born-again evangelical ex-gay leader and right-wing activist, to help shut down the largest ex-gay ministry network ever to exist, to coming out AGAIN as a gay man of faith who was kissing men and loving it.

Of course, I am now married, a bonus dad, and a Christian Universalist. However, that wasn’t even on the horizon as I sat there hoping I didn’t forget to put on deodorant during an all-day-long interview in January 2017.

The interview also happened when I was starting to do a deep dive into what had been done to me, what I had done to others, what I believed, what I didn’t believe, and still losing friends almost daily. I was incredibly vulnerable and lived in a perpetual state of “I don’t know.”

Writing had always been a way to engage the Divine and actualize my higher self. In other words, I learned a lot of shit while writing in a daily journal for years. Yet, my life was still super compartmentalized in various metaphorical iron boxes. I knew sporadic bits of writing here and there weren’t helping me navigate the long path already taken. I decided I needed to write a memoir, at least to myself. I figure that format and length would force me to connect the polarizing plot points of my life.

Forty-five thousand words brain-dumped later (not kidding), I almost had a clue. It was incredibly cathartic, and I began to understand my true self for the first time.

I thought of publishing my memoir and even asked a few people about the possibility, but I didn’t know how to get a publisher, and I refuse to self-publish. I knew I didn’t know how to edit a book professionally, and I had read enough bad self-published books to know… nope.

So, in 2017, I chalked the exercise up to a personal healing exercise. Maybe someday my descendants would find my password to my cloud account where it was uploaded and read it, but I wasn’t worried. I need to write and read my own story.

Pray Away was released on August 3, 2021. The incredibly talented and famous Ryan Murphy and Blumhouse Productions bought the film and helped get it worldwide distribution on the Netflix platform. The energy it created was amazing, and lives have been saved.

One negative result was all these folks from my past rewriting history. I was not surprised about the dynamic but surprised at how many people were trying to rewrite my story for me, to me, and others! It was so weird. There was so much of it I didn’t have time to chase down people to correct them. But I remembered my brain dump of a memoir, pulled it back out of the cloud, and downloaded it to my laptop.

I asked about seven people I had met during interviews and events around Pray Away for their advice. These folks were either published authors or people who had publishing agents. I got three leads to follow up with. One was incredibly rude, the other never responded, and the third is my now publishing home at Inspirebytes Omni Media (IOM), who signed me a little over a year ago. As a result, my memoir has gone from a brain dump to something other people can understand :)! WHY will be out later this year.

Editing the brain dump as a readable memoir has been yet another cathartic journey, and I am grateful. I let my editor/publisher know that I didn’t want the result to be about me and my ego; I wanted it to be helpful, inspiring, and maybe even liberating for the reader. Yes, it can entertain (and is even funny in many spots), but my heart is to help other young gay adults and teens know they can embrace and love themselves even when it feels like everything and everyone in the world doesn’t.

My editor completely understands my heart; I swear she could read my mind and do it regularly at our weekly meetings. I am grateful the Universe saw fit to bring this about in this way.

People have asked if I am nervous about my whole life being put out there. Not really. The book's purpose is more than just me telling stories; whatever might happen is worth the effort.

I have a Facebook launch group for those interested in getting more details and willing to help spread the word. I also have a GoFundMe Campaign set up to help promote and market the memoir. So far, we have raised $1,473 out of our first goal of $1,700. It would be very appreciated if you could help get us across that first goal line.

As always, thank you for your friendship and support. Have a great weekend!