Ask It Basket–What obstacles did you confront when you made the choice to depart from the ex-gay movement? (Part 1 of 2)

Life goes on, & with great joy, so did mine. This post is about destroying a "calling" to rebuild a career and losing my friends & support to find myself, in time, surrounded by unconditional love.

Apr 27, 2024

What obstacles did you confront when you made the choice to depart from the ex-gay movement?

Great question! There were so many at the time, some of which seemed impossible. But life goes on, and with great joy, so did mine.

For context, I left the “ex-gay” movement a year and a half before I came out of the church closet. The date I left the ex-gay movement was when we announced we were closing Exodus International on June 19th, 2013.

Destroyed A “Calling” To Rebuild A Career

I was a part of ex-gay leadership of some sort starting in 1995 through to 2013 (18 years.) That’s a long time! I stayed in it for so long because I thoroughly believed that was the “calling” of God in my life. Because I was a true believer and able to tell a good story, I was groomed for leadership in practical ways as well as “prophecies” over me. People were saying I was being raised into leadership by God for great things for Exodus as a whole and will be put in front of influential leaders and speakers to share that “change is possible”. All of these pronouncements were forced into a context of the cultish ex-gay worldview.

I was “raised up” in front of National leaders while at Exodus and did interviews with media from around the world. However, none of us realized that the truth behind the prophecy was that I did affect great things for Exodus by helping shut it down. Now, those same leaders are hearing the fact that ex-gay conversion therapy groups don’t work and are destructive. More importantly, those who have been held hostage to toxic ex-gay ideology know they can find their way out of that world regardless of the consequences.

So, after I laid myself off at Exodus in August of 2013, I tried to make a career out of creating content for small businesses for their Social Media. That only lasted a while, and I blew through my little savings. I am terrible at having 14 bosses (clients) and learned I hated working alone. After that, I still had bills to pay and stocked shelves at a local grocery store (humbling, to say the least). But I genuinely believed that stocking shelves while being authentic was much better than flying first class while living and delivering a lie. Unloading grocery trucks wasn’t as lovely as a corner office with many windows. Still, I would rather shove pallets of groceries around than carry the deadly spiritual contagion of conversion therapy.

Eventually, I started an entry-level position with a huge telecommunications company. Over the past six and a half years, I have won several awards, and I am now a facilitator/trainer and living my best life to date. I became a published author this year instead of writing and editing for others.

Rebuilding a career at 47 seemed impossible, but I genuinely love my job(s) now, and it is a perfect fit. Using my superpowers for good instead of evil is much more fulfilling.

Losing.Every.Single.Ex-gay Friend. This Gave Me The Room To Move Away From The Imitation Of Love To True, Unconditional (yet realistic) Love.

When we closed Exodus, to say that the ex-gay movement and all those who supported it were very upset would be an understatement. Every single ex-gay friend and supporter ghosted me except for the crew that decided to publicly call me a reprobate, false prophet, liar, heretic, and much more.

Most didn’t have the ~~balls~~ courage to talk to me even though they were talking, gossiping, and lying about me to everyone else.

Or so I heard, lol.

So many hugs, prayers, crying in worship, healing prayer, conferences, developing resources together, and building each other up in love … evaporate when

We realize that all of that love and support is conditional and can be withdrawn at a moment’s notice.
It could evaporate quickly because we were a cult, and the ideology, beliefs, and consequences were more important than those of the people who decided to change their minds and accept reality.
When a worldview is based on lies (whether a true believer or not) it will destroy relationships when challenged because reread point number two).

We thought we were loving each other back then. I guess if that were the only time we, as LGBTQ+ people being held hostage by the stained glass closet, ever felt a semblance of love, then we wouldn’t know any better; I didn’t.

After Exodus, I felt so lonely that by the end of 2013, I was having suicidal ideations. I fought my way through it and adopted a mantra of “Fight for life, don’t get run over by it” (talked about more in WHY). When 2014 began, I reached out to LGBTQ+ people I had met over the years and started reevaluating everything, which led to my coming out in January 2015.

Since then (nine years!) I, like everyone else in the world, have made and lost friends. Some old friends became enemies; other old enemies became friends. Some of my ex-gay friends from the past have reached out, and we are kind to one another. Other ex-gay friends from the past are now out of the closet, too (YAY!). I found a chosen family that loves one another unconditionally and knows how to be adults during disagreements.

We don’t echo each other on anything, but our friendship means more to us than any strong disagreement or argument. Plus, I married Dan (my best friend) and have the bonus of The Diva (we don’t like the term step-daughter).

This time around, I have learned that unconditional love isn’t something I should depend on from someone else; if I want unconditional love in my life, I have to live and practice it first.

Well, this post is already long, so I will split up the rest of my response to this question in another post.

Here is Part 2 of this question: