Ask It Basket–What obstacles did you confront when you made the choice to depart from the ex-gay movement? (Part 2 of 2)
Ask It Basket–What obstacles did you confront when you made the choice to depart from the ex-gay movement? (Part 2 of 2)
Life goes on, & with great joy, so did mine. This post is about destroying a "calling" to rebuild a career and losing my friends & support to find myself, in time, surrounded by unconditional love.
What obstacles did you confront when you made the choice to depart from the ex-gay movement?
This is the second part to the above question. If you haven’t already read the first part, here it is:
In Part 2 of this Ask It Basket question, I am writing about the obstacle of having to rethink my vision & mission in life while walking out my truth when the only truth I knew was that I am gay and I believe in God.
Well, that just went out the window…
The reason I stayed in leadership for so long within the ex-gay conversion therapy movement is because I believed that was my life’s calling from God. I always thought it was a weird calling no one would ask for, but there I was. Through several misinterpretations of “signs” (e.g., wishful thinking) from God and being a true believer in all things ex-gay, I never questioned my “calling.”
When that changed, and all the walls built out of self-loathing and denial came crashing down, so did all my support; almost all my friends ghosted me, and I felt like I had no purpose or even a vision of what I would like to do in life.
At age 47, once I got past all the trauma, drama, and my year-and-a-half-long dark night of the soul (after closing Exodus). I realized that my purpose in life, which is what drives me, will only be found by taking the next right step forward. For me, the next right step was to come out (again), and in Jan. 2015, I did. Then, the next right step forward was to have stability in employment, relationships, and, most importantly, with myself. The self-employed social media consultant gig wasn’t working, but I eventually took a very entry-level position at the telecommunications company I work for. I have won awards and been promoted several times. I am now a corporate trainer/facilitator, and all these six and a half years later. It took a little while and a lot of hard work, but I am now in a position I am truly a perfect fit for.
This stability allowed me to escape survival mode and into the “Who the hell am I?” mode. And the answers came hard and fast when I started writing the brain dump of a memoir in 2017. It was in that process I learned that the abuse I suffered growing up deeply seeded self-loathing in me. That then set me up to be brainwashed into the cult of ex-gay ideology where I, the abused, became an abuser in a whole new WTF?! kind of way. Then tragedy revealed that my journey toward wholeness had been hijacked by a toxic religion that had killed a friend, destroyed so many relationships, and nearly killed me. So, when I came out of the closet, my first journey was discovering who and what I was.
Also, along this long journey of taking the next right step, instead of manufacturing a calling out of wishful thinking and cultish indoctrination, I followed my truth, step by step, with a radical commitment to honesty. Eventually, I became a husband, Bonus Dad, corporate trainer, and on May 14th… a published author!
My calling is to take my place as a peer in the community around me. My top priority is the welfare of my family and how I contribute to that. My work as a trainer and author is exactly what I am designed for, and I love every minute… wait… almost every minute :) of it. These are all my “callings” because it was my decision and voice that brought me into these roles, not someone else’s expectations or demands.
Instead of my powers being used for evil in promoting ex-gay indoctrination, they are being used for good in helping others find their way out of the ex-gay quagmire. My superpowers also help my work community, which is to help them be great at their jobs.
And the hubs and I are walking through life together, and The Diva is… well… the Diva is 17, and all the drama and lessons that can’t be taught but must be learned at that age are all unfolding.
The policy of truth…
When leaving the ex-gay world, I knew I still wholeheartedly believed in God. But other than that, had no clue as to who I was as a “gay believer.” I was a gay dude who believed in the Divine, manifested through The Way of Jesus. That was it. I didn’t know if anything I had ever believed in was true.
The biggest obstacle I had in this vital part of my life was pushing past all the lies that homosexuality was brokenness. The lie continued by insisting that if I “embrace” being gay, then I am turning my back on God to embrace sin. That meant I would have a miserable life here on earth and eternal damnation afterward. One night I was balling my eyes out in prayer and I don’t know how I know but I know I heard the Divine say that was not true, that I can be a happy, healthy and whole gay man. And with fear and trembling, I moved forward in faith.
It was in that season of life two mantras came to mind and will be with me for the rest of my life:
I will fight for life, not get run over by it.
It’s ok to hold on to my faith; don’t be a d*ck about it.
I am much more of a Liberal Universalist Christian today. I do not believe in hell, but I do believe in malevolent beings and energy. I am not talking about demons and black magic. I am talking about those around us who are full of malice, wanting to hurt other people, prayers being sent out as curses… that type of thing.
I used to have a policy of truth mandated to me and not truly living and growing. Today, the truth is my own journey, step by step, with the mysteries of the Divine not being that scary after all.
Have a good rest of your day!
