Closet Curses Part 4–Negative Attention Seeking And People Pleasing

This series explores the phenomenon of why so many rabid anti-LGBTQ+ Christian and Christian Nationalist leaders are gay and living in the church closet. (Other posts in the series linked below.)

“Seeking the limelight…”

Quick Note: In my previous post, I said I would talk about “the abused become the abuser” dynamic. I will admit my headspace is having difficulty pulling that together, so I need more time. That is why this post is going to be about negative attention-seeking and people-pleasing. The abused becoming the abuser dynamic will be the next topic in this series.

Duh duhmmmmm–previously on Closet Curses…

So far, we’ve explored how money, self-doubt, and the pressure to fit in with the church can keep some gay folks hidden, even while they’re vocal opponents of the LGBTQ+ community. Today, we’re diving into how the desire for public attention—whether it’s good or bad—can also be a big reason behind this. People might seek attention to boost their self-esteem, even if it’s not always a good thing. Let’s kick things off with negative attention-seeking.

Negative Attention Seeking

In the conversion therapy and conservative evangelical Christian world, negative attention seekers would often exaggerate stories or use drama to get reactions or sympathy. The more shocking, the more they felt validated by others’ responses or reactions.

I heard so many times phrases like, “Just like the apostle Paul, I am the chief of all sinners. I slept with hundreds and hundreds of people, took all the drugs in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, and worshipped Betty White!” which would then cause their conservative Christian audience to gasp at the thought. That negative response wouldn’t last long, and the crowd would feel tremendous relief when the speaker would follow that up and say, “…but then I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, hallelujah! And now I don’t even remember what leading a depraved, horrible, sinful life is like!”

And for the bad humor, you’re welcome.

But there would always be someone in the wings desperately wanting the same attention and would say something even more outlandish, “Brother Soandso has had an amazing life and conversion, let’s give him credit and lots of love (stop for a moment of polite clapping and a few exclamations of “praise the Lord?”) Then this person would say, “I can relate. See, I slept with thousands of people, took all the drugs in Texas AND California, and worshipped all the Golden Girls all the time.”

It was a competition of who was the worst and who Jesus had to save more.

OK, so these were kind of exaggerated examples but not far from the truth of the dynamics.

In my memoir, I write about an exgay leader who was the personification of negative attention-seeking behavior. He had been thrown out of our conferences for antagonizing parents, but a few years after I joined the staff at Exodus, he berated me for not only not allowing him to attend the conference but that we should hire him as the keynote speaker.

Uhm, nope.

The problem in those worlds (which includes Christian Nationalism), these hyperbolic, incredibly negative tactics only feed the egos and provoke the insecurities of incredibly hurt, narcissistic, and sometimes malignantly narcissistic people. This negative attention-seeking behavior is rewarded with more attention, money, acclaim, and sometimes given expert hero status when it really isn’t deserved.

Then, of course, there are people like Donald Trump and Milo Yiannopoulos who just say god-awful things because they enjoy it. Just like Alfred Pennyworth in the “The Dark Knight” Batman movie said,

Some men just want to watch the world burn,

And unfortunately, these men (and women) in today’s age are rewarded with infamy and money.

But, what about people-pleasers?

People Pleasing Attention Seeking

In the previous post in this series I wrote,

When a church or denomination becomes rigidly dogmatic or exclusionary, it can foster an environment where questioning or personal beliefs are suppressed. This may lead to emotional or spiritual harm for individuals who feel coerced to conform instead of embracing who they truly are at their core. This could stunt personal growth or alienate those who disagree with official teachings.

In that post, the above was written in the context of peer/communal pressure to bend the will of a person to theirs. However, in the dynamic of people-pleasing attention seeking, pressure may be a catalyst; it isn’t the main catalyst. Some people passionately adopt and engage toxic dogma on a performative basis because of the desperation they have for needing personal validation from like-minded believers. It’s not simply about peer pressure; it’s a willingly engaged dysfunctional pattern of behavior to meet their need for an elusive validation that may never come.

How To Respond?

Here’s a simple rule: if someone’s seeking attention through negativity, it’s best to steer them towards the truth in a positive way or tackling what we believe are the real reasons we believe may be behind their actions. Avoid giving them attention that fuels their negativity. Often, the real prize for someone seeking attention is getting us worked up, which is exactly what they want!

For people who love to please others, I’ve found that offering them *specific* feedback that speaks to their core in life-giving and challenging ways can be incredibly helpful. This kind of feedback can help them discover who they are and what they truly want, all on their own. It’s a way to meet their needs in a healthy and empowering way, encouraging them to take responsibility for their actions without feeling judged or pressured.

As always, this post is just some thoughts and opinions that might spark a conversation! :)

Duh duhmmmmm–next on Closet Curses Part 5, The Abused Becoming the Abuser

When we’re constantly surrounded by abuse and stigma, it can really color our world view. We might not even realize we’re unconsciously playing the roles of the abuser or the abused in all our relationships. Instead of building strong, healthy connections based on mutual respect and emotional maturity, everything can feel like a power struggle or a hierarchy.

Such a light topic! This next part won’t be easy to write but it is so important to understand in this context. Please share your thoughts and questions in the comments. Would love to hear from you.

See you next time and thank you for reading.

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