You Define Your Journey

The question of "are you at a crossroads in your life?" in the ex-gay context is so manipulative. It creates unnecessary internal conflict that will hijack our journey toward authenticity.

It’s pernicious how evil the ex-gay double-bind question of, "Are you at a crossroads?" in your faith is one is a good example. It creates unnecessary cognitive dissonance that breeds despair and destruction.

The Ex-Gay Double Bind

For those that may not know, a double bind question means (from Wikipedia):

A double bind is a dilemma in communication where an individual receives two or more reciprocally conflicting messages. It is a difficult situation in which, whatever action you decide to take, you cannot escape unpleasant results. In psychology, it refers to a situation where contradictory demands are made, leaving no appropriate response.

Recently, in an email newsletter last week, an ex-gay leader tried recruiting more victims using this dishonest method (trigger warning and emphasis mine, I will break down the emphasized points after):

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroad in life? It’s that critical point in time when your choice can make or break you. It is at that particular moment that you must decide what road you will take. You may get the opportunity to turn around. You may not. You must choose wisely. If you are dealing with same-sex relationships and attractions, you may be at this crossroad. You may have anxiety, fears and emotions raging while you contemplate what your next move should be. Should you go with what you feel, what you know, what they say or is there another thought to consider? Do you just wing it and see what happens? How do you know what path to take.

Society wants to tell you to just be free and do whatever feels good. Yet, within yourself, you know God did not design you this way. The world sends affirming and suggestive material for you to feast on through social media and television. It sounds good and looks good but is it good for you? Same sex relationships, just like adultery, fornication, and even pedophilia, have been normalized and are widely accepted as what people do. If you want to head down one of these paths, you may find many to support you even if it is wrong.

…

God created you with a master plan and His plan for you is perfect. No matter how far you have traveled past that crossroad and where that journey has taken you, God can help you find your way back and help you make a better choice for your life.

“Your choice can make or break you... You must choose wisely… Should you go with what you feel, what you know, what they say or is there another thought to consider? Do you just wing it and see what happens?”

This verbiage sets the vulnerable up for what would seem like an all-or-nothing extortion scheme. Meaning, if you do not act wisely according to the ex-gay leader’s already determined wise answer for your life, you will be broken, and this is evidence you already are.

This contextual framing assumes that we only make decisions like children.

• Based on what we feel.

• It assumes that what we do know is not enough to make personally healthy decisions.

• Or we let others make decisions for us.

Condescension was never a part of Jesus’ message. And I very much doubt, especially with LGBTQ+ issues, that any queer person just “wings it.” The consequences are too high.

Of course, we want everyone to be free in their pursuit of happiness. It’s like in the US Declaration of Independence and everything. Whatever feels good? Yeah, if that’s what someone wants to do where it doesn’t harm themselves or another person… you do you, happy boo!

Also, being LGBTQ+ isn’t rooted in just “feeling.” It’s a core part of our personal and relational sense of being that involves feeling, intellect, and emotional maturity. Being LGBTQ+ isn’t all of who we are, but it is an unchangeable core part of who we are. We are not some childish, ignorant caricature of who ex-gay leaders think gay people are and how we walk through life. Now…

“Affirming and suggestive material to feast on…” I happen to like some of that. Lol.

What this leader is pointing to here is the Western evangelical belief that the world is ruled by Satan and run by demons who will tempt our flesh (the natural state of being that is seen as evil in its own right) with sinful options.

The truth is that algorithms affirm and feed whatever data they are picking up on for the person. Oh, and Satan isn’t an algorithm either. This blaming it on the world is a level of stigmatization that isn’t as obvious as others.

Now, the below is an obvious use of stigmatization (demonization). The following is a master class in malignant, stigmatizing bullshit:

Is it adultery if both spouses are both okay with having sex with others and don’t see doing so as a threat to their love and have their own healthy boundaries in place?

Regardless, ex-gay leaders tend to have this unrealistic expectation that somehow heterosexual adultery and fornication (any sex outside of marriage) didn’t or doesn’t happen as often (or more) than queer people.

It does, and straight people are quite prolific at it and have been since the dawn of time.

But both adultery and fornication are still seen by the modern-day puritans as worthy of shame. But then this ex-gay leader who wrote the emails goes on to do what so many bigots do and equate being LGBTQ+ to pedophiles.

The vulnerable gay person who, in most cases, has internalized homophobia is supposed to see themselves as the same as pedophiles? Not helpful! …and very damaging. I also don’t know *anyone* that thinks pedophilia has been normalized or that it is “just what people do.”

Not one person.

Perhaps ex-gay leaders should be concerned with heterosexual pedophile Pastors that just seem to make headlines all the time.

Every ex-gay leader that draws that disgusting comparison should be ashamed of themselves. Even back in the day, I *never* equated gay people to pedophiles. I know that the belief behind that is that all sin is equal (at the foot of the cross), but Jesus never said that. If you believe in the atonement (and I still do as a Christian Universalist), you know that Jesus’ approach to sin is the same for all, but that doesn’t and will never equate one sin to another.

Alright, believe that God is perfect if you want, but the Bible and this world (reality) are anything but perfect. Setting a standard of perfection for us to achieve and attain is, in my view, blasphemous to the finished work of Christ’s atonement.

But it’s that last sentence quoted in the above pull-quote that is the rub. It should read that the ex-gay leader who wrote that will help you find your way back to where they think you went wrong and manipulate you into believing their toxic theology is somehow a better choice; for a fee, I mean donation, and a few book sales, of course.

Ex-gay messaging sets up a pattern where the person questioning their sexuality and/or identity will have to keep going back, and back, and back because the ex-gay “brokenness” is a never-ending quest to be something we are not; to fix something that isn’t and wasn’t broken to begin with.

To wrap up…

The double bind of choosing to be a broken loser who hates God or be something someone else determines for us is a no win. When we are not allowed to love and exist the way we know we need to for our own growth and healing is not life-giving or loving.

It is possible to be happy, healthy, and whole as an LGBTQ+ person. In the ex-gay world those three things will never be allowed to exist in the context of the truth; you’re gay, you’re lesbian, you’re bi, your trans, and we are all queer.

We can believe whatever we want to believe but if you are struggling please don’t let ex-gay leaders spiritually abuse you with a smile and a hand on the shoulder in prayer. Even if you agree with their theology, they will hijack your journey in very unhelpful and harming ways. Claim or reclaim your journey and take the next step *you* need to take because it builds you up, not shame you and tear you down.

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Keeping An Eye On The Ex-Gay World

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